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I'm MARRIED!

I got married last November 5, 2001. Everyone was surprised. And me, I liked the enjoyment of surprising them. I didn't tell my mom. I knew that she would never agree on me marrying at such a young age. She hated me for it when she found out (I did tell her a month after - wicked me). But now, all is over and done and the best thing is that we're happier. I can't exactly point out the reasons why we got married aside from the fact that we love each other and we felt ready for marriage. We wanted THE commitment. (Lesson: If one wants a thing enough, there is always a way to get it -we did-)

In our five months of being married, i could say that i have already learned  a lot of things (though i know this is only one bit of what we can learn about married life as a whole). Things aren't always rosy as it used to. we fight and fight and fight and make up and make up and make up over and over again. In the end i realized i can't hate him really because i love him. sometimes i feel like i just wanna escape and die of the hurt i feel. but then i am still here. and that says there is a lot to live for and to learn. loving takes a lot of understanding, patience, and a forgiving heart. I still have not perfected the craft of being the best wife, i know. but i want to be and i will.

I love you boom...

 

Hindi ko kailangan ang awa niyo

Marahil itong karanasan ng pagbabad (immersion) ang masasabi kong siyang pinakamahirap na aking naranasan. Mahirap dahil hanggang sa ngayon ay masakit ang halos lahat ng bahagi ng aking katawan, mahirap dahil hindi maalis-alis sa aking isipan ang kung anong kahirapang nagawang tiisin ng aking ‘tay Manny (ang aking naging foster parent) sa loob ng anim na taon na halos pumatay na sa akin sa unang araw pa lamang, mahirap dahil sa kaalaman kong hindi malulunasan ng kung anong awa at luha ang kahirapang ito, mahirap dahil tila wala akong magawa.

Anim na taon nang naninilbihan si ‘tay Manny sa Palengke ng Sta. Elena sa Marikina bilang Market Cleaner. Liban sa dalawang araw na day-off, araw-araw niyang nililinis ang may tatlong mahahabang daan at ang dry section ng palengke. Bawat buwan ay sumasahod siya ng humigit kumulang ng limang libo. Siya’y 45 na taong gulang, may asawa, at apat na anak (11 anyos na panganay at 3 anyos na bunso). Bago siya naging market cleaner, isa siyang machine operator sa Utex, isang pabrika ng tela. Nang magsara ito, matapos ang 21 taon na paninilbihan, kinailangan niyang maghanap ng ibang trabaho upang matutustusan ang mga pangangailangan ng pamilya kung kaya’t napunta siya dito sa palengke. Si ‘tay Manny ay tubong Tarlac, nakatapos ng high school, at ngayo’y isang market cleaner. Lamang?

Hindi ko sukat akalain ang tindi ng talab sa dibdib ng karanasang ito sapagkat bago pa man ako humawak ng walis, ang inasahan ko lang ay ang walang patid na pangangawit ng paa, pamamawis, at matinding pagod. Sa unang araw, halong inis at pagkahiya ang aking naramdaman. Lahat halos ay pinupuna ang aking presensya. At kung wala mang sinabi (comment) ang iilan, halos tuhugin na ako sa mga titig na hindi ko mawari kung nangungutya o nagtataka lamang. Ito ang iilan sa mga hindi ko makalimutang mga salita: “Miss, hindi bagay sa iyo ang magwalis”, “Ay! Ang ganda naman ng tagalinis natin ngayon”, “Uy mahiya naman kayong magkalat, napapagod na si beauty o tingnan niyo pawis na pawis na”, “Uy Manny huwag mo na yang pahirapan hindi yan sanay sa trabaho. Pag break time-in mo naman yan”, “Miss totoo ka ba talagang tagalinis? Wala sa mukha eh”, “Bakit ba kasi kailangan niyo pang paglinisin ng iskul niyo eh ang mahal mahal na nga ng binabayad ng mga magulang niyo doon. Hindi kayo pinag-aral para magwalis no”, “Miss, nahuli ka ba?”, “Kawawa ka naman”.

Bakit ako kawawa? Bakit hindi sila naaawa kay ‘tay Manny na anim na taon nang pabalik-balik na naglilinis ng mga kalat nilang hindi na naubos sa araw araw? Bakit kapag ako, nahihiya silang magkalat? Kung tutuusin, kahiya-hiya ang napakababoy na ugaling pagkakalat kahit sino pa ang maglilinis sa kalat mo. Kung sa bagay, hindi naman nila naranasang maging isang tagawalis. Magaling lang silang magsabing masuwerte na rin daw ako at sa Marikina Market ako napunta dahil malinis. Tama. Ito ang pinakamalinis na palengkeng nakita ko. Bakit? Paano? Dahil daw kay Mayor. Ang galing galing daw ni Mayor. Lahat ng tao hanga sa kanya. Lahat ng tao takot na magalit si Mayor. Ang galing naman ni Mayor. Pero sa akin, mas magaling ang aking ‘tay Manny. Ngunit bakit ako lang yata ang may alam nun? Bakit, nakakausap niyo ba si Mayor? Si ‘tay Manny araw araw niyong nakikita, hindi man lang yata niyo napapasalamatan. Nakakalungkot.

Paano naman naging magaling ang isang tagawalis? Isa lang ang masasabi ko, magaling siya dahil isa siyang totoong tao. Unang araw pa lang, nakita niya akong hirap magdala ng mabigat na walis. Gumawa siya ng mas maliit. Para hindi ako mahirapan. Pinalitan niya ang dustpan ko ng isang may mas maliit ang hawakan. Para hindi ako mahirapan. Siguro mukhang hirap pa rin ako, binigyan niya ako ng picker (parang tong na mahaba) dahil mas magaan pa ito kaysa sa walis. Para hindi ako mahirapan. Medyo mabigat yata ang dustpan, maya-maya ikinuha niya ako ng sako. Para hindi ako mahirapan. Lahat na yata ng hirap na nakikita niya sa akin ay sinikap niyang pagaanin. Hindi na ba siya nakararamdam ng hirap dahil nasanay na siya o kabisadong kabisado niya ang hirap kung kaya’t ayaw niyang pahirapan akong hindi sanay sa ganito? Hindi ko mawari ang kasagutan sa tanong. Ang alam ko lang, wala akong nakitang taong mas masipag pa sa kanya. Walang masyadong imik, trabaho lang nang trabaho, at nagagawa pang ngumiti.

Marangal ang trabahong maging tagawalis. Ang mga tao sa tabi tabi lamang ang nagpapababa ng halaga ng trabahong ito. Wala ang malinis na palengle kung wala ang mga tagawalis. Wala ang galing ni Mayor kung wala ang mga tagawalis dahil hindi niya kayang walisin ang buong palengke. Ngunit sa kabila nito, naroroon ang sobrang maliit na kita. Nagtataka ako kung papano nila nabubuhay ang kani-kanilang pamilya. Mahirap ngunit sige na lang kaysa sa wala talagang mapagkakakitaan. Mahirap ngunit nakakasanayan din.

Ang kahirapan ay hindi dapat nakakasanayan. Ito ay dapat linalabanan. Sa pilosopiya, nasabing ang paggawa ay nagpapaganap sa isang tao kasabay ang walang katapusang pagtubo at pag-unlad ng pagkatao. May pagkakamali ba rito? Paano ka tutubo sa pabalik-balik na pagwawalis? Paano ka uunlad sa walang katapusang pagsunod sa kalat ng iba? Dito pa lang ay kakakitaan na ng kasalimuotan ng pag-uugnayan ng mga taong nagpapahirap sa iba. Tinitingpan pa nilang nararapat at tila hindi mali ang magkalat kasi naman daw, merong tagalinis. At mismong ang mga tagalinis ay naisasaloob nang okey lang ito. Trabaho lang. Wala nang paglaban sa mapag-aping kondisyon sa dahilang hindi na halos nararamdaman ang sakit. Tila normal na at natural ang prosesong may naaapi at natatapakan.

Napakamagandang talinghaga ang nasabi ng isa kong kasamahan. Ang nakikita raw niya sa sitwasyong ito, ay parang ang makapal na kalyo sa kamay ni Mang Tomas (ang kanyang foster parent). Habang kumakapal, nakakawala ng pandama. Habang kumakapal, nagiging tulong pa para hindi na sasakit ang kamay sa walang katapusang pagbitbit ng dustpan at paghagod ng walis. Ganito na ba kakapal ang kalyo sa buhay nila? Wala na ba talagang pag-asa? Mas mainam pa bang hindi na madama ang sakit para mapadali ang buhay? Totoo ba talagang nawawala na ang kirot na idinudulot ng hindi makataong trabaho kapag nakasanayan na? Walang taong nilikha ng Diyos para maghirap. Walang taong nilikha ng Diyos para magpahirap.

Sa huli, gusto ko lamang sabihin, (sapagkat hindi ko ito nasabi habang nandoon ako sa palengke) na hindi ko kinakailangan ang awa niyo, lalo na ni ‘tay Manny. Huwag na lang kayong magkalat. Walang saysay ang sinabi niyo sa aking awa. Patawad sa aking mga natamaan.

 

unlike the sunburn that i had

summer is over and i am left with memories of it. it was the best so far, i mean in all the 19 years that i have existed on this planet. ironically, i spent it not with a blast like how you would think the melanie you know would enjoy. i spent the 2 month vacation with my mother, boom2, and our friends and some relatives. of course, i don't wanna blab about the details anymore coz some scenes aren't suitable for young audiences. hehehhehhe ( u guys know! ). 

anyway, around 95% of the time, i was with boom2. and that made everything perfect. well, we had fights but none of them was a violent one, like none lasted for more than 24 hours and we didnt have any scratch or bruise in any. for one, he is the walk-out king and im the hide and seek queen! i guess we cant really go on a crossfire like the abu sayyaf and the military men. we prefer violence in enclosed places where we cant harm other people. hehehhehehehhe. (boom, what was the last number gani?)

to zati, lilet, ian, don, coola^, and rio, thanks for being part of those times. i had so much fun with you and there's no getting over those nice times unlike the sunburn that i had. damn, im homesick again. but okay lang, boom2 holds most of the blame. its all his fault yknow. hehhehehehe (luv u gray!) 

thanks thanks thanks

sudden twists and turns

it's not about the millennium thing. oh please, quit it, i'm sick and tired of those brouhaha. unless the bug is edible and can feed hungry people y'know, i'd be really happy. god, can i ever quit sounding like this? honestly, i am so happy, so freakin happy with life right now. get ur lungs ready for a giant laugh, say the laugh of the millennium (harharhar)... I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AGAIN. but!!! i am not taking back my words (if u read the essay before this, essay nga ba?). so u believe that this is a sudden twist? how can u not?!?!?! =)

so, the point is, I AM SO LUCKY. you know, like some person who got millions and millions of bucks. and that's not even enough. okay, i am some plain jane but who cares, i have the best boyfriend in the world. oh, and i better clarify, he's not ethan hawke okay? mwahahahhahaha!

so who's the unlucky guy? hey hey, he IS LUCKY TOO grrrrr!!! basta, he is. dont argue. okay okay, im fine u know, in not even shouting yet. =) see that cute smile? anyway, the name of this person that i love so much and who loves me just as much (or even more :p) is RYAN or BOOMBOOM. now dont tell me, 'what the heck do i care???' coz i'll tell u LAYAS!!!

okay, so do i have any more audience left? my, i dont think so. anyway, let me just talk to myself. hey, melanie...

i feel like high school again... i'm beginning to see the nicer things in life again. this makes me feel good about myself and the things around me. all the lessons in philosophy might have really digged in to me. but you know dr. manny dy, i never quite understood our lesson on the phenomenology of love til i learned to love again. it never had much sense than it has right now. everything u wrote was right. bullseye. i do wish that i can selflessly share this fullness i am feeling and never be parasitic in any way. i do wish that this love would make both of us grow and become better persons. i pray to GOD that  i won't be selfish nor be too possessive because i detest that myself.

i have been much of a good girl really inspite of the assholes i occasionally meet. i love saying SORRY I HAVE A BOYFRIEND (and dont friggin mess up with me!).

and boom, i won't say forever but i will live that...

 

Illusion of a fire burning...

I am sitting here trying to feel those unsteady beats coming from within me. I am sitting here wondering about this emptiness that fills me. Have you ever wondered how a certain "nothing" can invade the depths of one's being? Well, I do not believe that it is absolutely nothing...I might have just failed to give it a name.

So here it is inside me - compelling me to write about it. Crap yeah, because I have no idea on what to write so pardon me.

I know it is something like an invisible fire. Do you know how it hurts when you burn a finger with a hot iron, or perhaps a lighted matchstick? Imagine that inside you. My...I bet you're gonna be twitching like crazy. So it's not exactly like that but somehow it's near enough. Oh, far out...sanity intact...

I call it an illusion. You see, I've always felt like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it out to. Yes, I know how the world can never have too much love because I believe it is always in need of some more. But you see, I believe it's trapped within people's hearts. Call me a cynic - I don't care. It's queer but that "love" thing is killing me. Oh I wish you knew how much I loved my boyfriends. They loved me thrice as much. And just a bit of an info, I'm still in good terms with all of them.

And you know why I don't have a boyfriend now? Ahhh...such a long story. But an excerpt won't hurt much so here goes...Well, after my last boyfriend, I was already in college. I met a lot of people and dated a lot of people (men of course). And with that, I have experienced being with different men with different personalities. I had fun with some. I was traumatized with some. Dead-ma with some. You wanna know what I think of 80% of the men on earth now? 1. They just wanna have some fun. 2. They're a bunch of mambo numbers 5's! 3. They are some kind of a sex machine. 4. They are scared of commitments. 5. They think that they know us women too well that they can play and manipulate us like brainless barbie dolls. 6. They're unfaithful. Oh but don't hate me too much guys, I only said 80%...And besides, hating me for this is like admitting of guilt. Haha!

Considering the other 20%, I still have a reason to want to have a boyfriend. I'm just too scared. I'm not looking for one. I believe it'll come. But darn! You must know how it feels like having someone to love. I can't defend myself too well on why I strongly disagree on the "why-stick-to-one-when-you-can-have-them-all" kinda mentality. I don't know...It's the way you feel loved...and how do you expect me to put that into words, huh? Maybe it's the warm feeling, maybe it's the thought of having someone who will always be with you no matter what happens, maybe it's the happiness that comes with the real sharing of selves, maybe...

Honestly I feel so alone inspite of the many friends I have. Do you know what I wanna do now? I wanna get rid of all the love that is in here. It's causing me so much pain. And you know what it is like now? Ah...it's all gone...I've grown numb...Maybe it's all because of this imaginary fire. You know how pain goes away when one gets used to it? Or perhaps I am trying to fool myself that I have forgotten what that love thing is all about. It's not like I'm some kind of a hate machine, nah coz I'm pretty much "me" still. Oh and how can I forget, I do love my family and God so much oh and some friends too.

Indeed I'm fooling myself. But at least I'm smart enough to be aware of it. And yet foolish for believing...

Love is not love unless it's given and shared...

It's all in my mind now...Somewhere in my hypothalamus...ahhahahahahha...

first day of school...

I'm really early today. Nobody's in the classroom yet except me. Not that I'm so excited about school this sem. Nah. I just had to do something before I got here and its a case of me getting things done ahead of schedule again. I met my dear friend Fr. Bu (Bulatao) downstairs (I'm in Bel311 right now). I was so happy to see him. As always, his face exuded that genuine happiness that never ceases to amaze me every time I meet him. And today, my meeting Fr. Bu is yet another blessing of wisdom. He told me that I have to study well because it is the 8th Sacrament. Studying brings us closer to God? Well, I think that was his second sentence.

I never really liked school in the first place. I hate the seemingly endless assignments and tests - some of which I really find senseless in a way that I can't be made to believe that it contributes to my education. Some things we do here in school are simply some sort of a collective torture to be expected of the highly acclaimed Ateneo education. It is like how gold goes through the test of fire. Oh well, I do not know. I am not much of a gold yet. Or am I ever going to shine like one? 

Another thing I hate about school are the teachers. They can get so boring and so inconsiderate that you'd think they're not teachers but witches in rage and are out to cast a real nasty curse on you for the rest of your college life. There are a few good ones too, I should say or I have already hanged myself in the shower by now. I am a student, and obviously I am in school to learn. But I guess we all have to learn - students and teachers alike. This goes out straight to those teachers who aren't much of what a "real" teacher is and should be - a good one capable of making students learn in the truest sense of the word. A good teacher for me is one who can make me see new things or see old things differently in a multitude of perspectives, one who can instill in me the sense of all the theories and how my life could change with the knowledge of those, one who can make me work voluntarily for my betterment and for others, one whom I can communicate with and willing to meet me in my lines of weaknesses and strengths so that I may understand, one who can be with me in experiencing more of the world and the human race...

I love learning. I love experiencing. And I believe teachers should give more importance to the most basic part of learning, that is experiencing. This is because nothing can make a thing stick better on me or perhaps leave a mark on my life other than experiencing it first hand. That is why I believe there is a God in the first place. I don't want to be stuck in the horror of those theories and silly enumerations in exams. ( Do you remember what each bone in our bodies look like? What about their names? What the hell, who cares? Ah, the anatomy teacher. ) I wanna learn how to live life to the fullest more than anything else. I don't really care much about perfecting my programming skills in java or making the most sophisticated database and then find myself filthy rich and unhappy in the end. That is so menial compared to the joy of simply knowing someday that I have lived a happy life - that is knowing that I am happy and I have made other people happy. So I guess it's all about living and learning. Indeed, schooling is way far from true education. But this is not an attempt to escape from the pressures of being in school. You see, the more you study, the more you learn. (The best things in life may be for free, but it has never been said that those things that come for free are obtainable without any effort. And so in the end, one may say a thing was acquired for free, but as one puts value on it, the story will never be the same again.) The more you learn, the more you understand yourself and the things around you. Although some things are simply beyond our human capabilities to fathom and fully comprehend, there is always something out there to be learned much like you can never know too much about God and the mystery that He is, or the gift of human life.

I love you Fr. Bu. Thank you for sharing those pieces of your wisdom with me. I will never forget you.

I love you, God.